My father's anger

My father is almost sixty and very angry
 He banged his head on the wall, which could be fatal in his condition, that is how angry he is. He is angry because he loves his mother and he loves me at the same time and he loves himself some days and these three do not seem to match up today. My father is really angry. Drunk angry. Drunk "i will say anything" angry. And he says he is torturing me. And he is right. Because I love him so much that every blow to his head is a blow to my heart. My father is angry. Because, here, in this traditional household we have, he ended up being mother, father and housecleaner for a bunch of people who have never said thank you. For some of them it is too late anyway.
My father got drunk tonight because he knew I was coming and he had things to say that couldn't be said otherwise. And I get it. I had to get drunk side by side to let him know that I met my boyfriend on Tinder and that I am trying to get pregnant. We love eachother but there are certain topics that only booze lets us touch. My father is angry because he blames himself for the poor choice of a mother that I have had. My father is angry for a billion trillion reasons
 And he hasn't cried like tonight in years. But none of these reasons are me. He is not disappointed in me. He approves. I am still his biggest love and day after day after fucking hard day this keeps me going. On and on and on and on. He will never read this.
(Written in Sept 2018)