Doing my best

Trying really hard to postpone goodbyes. Wrapping your goodbyes this morning was obviously more than I could manage. And I keep telling myself that it's not really goodbye, it's just see you later but who am I trying to kid. I've done the math and I know myself. Riding my bike in the heat and the sun and later the night and the cold and the dark. More than once, physical exhaustion should black out the pain, the real pain. Because of all people, I am the one who's not going to wish you anything, who's not going to hug you when you leave, who's not going to show any pain, who's not going to cry. And I am one of the ones that should, but I won't. Because it's not enough, for me it's not enough. You know I'll miss you and in a way, you'll miss me too. Saying it won't make it more real or less painful. And I won't promiss I'll keep in touch but I'll do my best. Today, I ride my bike and goof around, because that is how I handle days like this one. And if I make you laugh, then it's mission accomplished, although remembering you happy hurts as well.
So, what the hell do I want? Why am I writing this? I shouldn't because I know it will hurt us all.
But I will meet you in half an hour and I will seem ok but I won't be and I promissed I would always be honest.
I am sorry and I will miss you like hell,
hugs,
your furry friend.

All in a day's work

Suna alarma, eu visez ca plec in excursie cu copiii. Ma imbrac, imi iau rucsacul si plec. Ma intalnesc cu ceilalti profesori, urcam copiii in bus. SHIT! Nu m-am ridicat din pat! Ma mai uit o data la ceas. Mai am timp... 5 minute. Atat. Nu mergem la munte, mergem la nunta, deja ma gandesc ce sa mai dansez si cu cine. Conteaza cu cine? SHIT! Tot nu m-am ridicat. ACUM, DAIANA, ACUM!! Dap, acum.... ACUM!
Sar din pat si ma uit la ceas! 7.24. Am fix 6 minute sa ies din casa daca vreau sa prind metroul care trebuie. Dar TREBUIE sa ma duc la baie. A Silent Warrior must do his duty before all else!
Plec prea tarziu. ALEERRGG! Inca mai sper sa nu fie apendicele chestia aia care ma doare de trei zile. Pierd metroul. Nu-i nimic, il iau pe urmatorul si iau un taxi. NO WALLET! DAMN! Asta inseamna nu cartela de metrou, nu bani, nu acte. Ajung la RATB. Ajung tarziu la Republica. La capatul autobuzului, ma prinde controlul. Demonstrez ca n-am acte. Scap cu o mustrare. Si multi multi draci.

Still wondering, oare e posibil sa am si eu o zi normala cap-coada, fara sa uit sparg scap calc pe picioare, fara sa ma impiedic sa ma lovesc sa ma ranesc sa scuip cand rad fara sa imi scape ceva jenant pe jos fara sa mi se vada nadragii fara dezacorduri fara ...

I love my friends care s-au obisnuit sa creeze zone de siguranta in jurul meu dar tare mi-ar placea sa am si eu o zi de concediu, fara mine, daca se poate...

Ce am ales sa nu uit

Printre altele:

• Una din ultimele nopti la camin cand era vara si extrem de cald si invatam pentru un examen idiot si greu si mirosul de tei ne ametea pe mine si pe prietenele mele si ne-am luat picioarele la spinare si am iesit dupa crengi de tei. Si portareasa ne-a dat cirese si am mancat cirese la 2-3 dimineata si am mirosit tei si am fumat o tigare. Sau 2. Si a fost frumos.
• Una din ultimele zile de dinainte de liceu, vacanta plina de sperante si iubiri ratate, asa cum e mereu la varsta aia. Am jucat bedminton cu EL, cu rachete imprumutate de la o vecina la care nu tineam extrem de mult. Si erau atat de bune rachetele incat trimiteau fluturasul sus sus de tot si le-am dat naiba de reguli si de dimensiuni legale ale terenului si am jucat tare si alergam dupa fluturas prin toata parcarea. Si a fost frumos.

I promiss I'll be ok

This is for the two special people I've been spending a lot of time with in the past few days, my sweet degenerate fairy and my dear brontosaurus.

Ok, so I am not ok.
Just for a while. I promissed I'd keep it together. I promissed myself first of all. I swore I would always find something to cling on, as small as it is, anything, my family, my friends, my passions and if all fails, my cats. I have to keep it together for the cats, cause they depend on me. As far as people depend on me, I'm fine, I can work it out. Would like a break though, from time to time, like when I was at home, you know, the only real home there is, and it was summer holiday and just for a few days at the very beginning I would just lay back and relax and sleep late and not do anything at all, and there would be coffee in the morning and breakfast. Just one or two days of being spoiled. That was nice.
But then again, this is just part of growing up, my dad would say, less breaks more work, just try to enjoy what happens in between. Since I've left, I've been sick countless times and I always took care of myself the same way he taught me and sometimes it doesn't even matter that you're sick, you just need to keep going, keep going. And sometimes, I wish there would be someone to take care of me.
But this is not about being alone. All in all, I KNOW that, were I to feel really bad and in need of help, there are at least 7 people, off the top of my head, that I could call anytime of day or night who would rush to the rescue.
I swore I would never do a job I don't like, trying to keep up with that. And also, I swore I would never compromise. And I have. And it hurts. And I promissed myself  I would stop.
So what is it about, after all? Why do I feel like I'm in the wrong movie? Like I am playing the wrong parts every time? There are stories that just pass me by, like they don't happen to me. Like this house and these cats and these notebooks and clothes are not mine, like they don't all stink of me and my touch. As if I am just watching this absurd projection and chewing on popcorn while my whole life is rushing by.
But I will catch the train. There is a train and I will catch it no matter what. And I will survive.
How do I know I will survive? Because I laughed, goddamit, because I laughed.
Because I am still impressed and I am still looking for the good in people, whatever happens, because I am still inlove and wish to remain so cause at least I can write poems about it, if nothing else will ever come out of it. Because I can still read and draw and paint and because I made my own damn dress and I felt like a princess. Because I am still looking for nice things and I am still able to find them, because I can still be happy and hopelessly inlove at the same time.

And I will never:

• Give up and fall appart
• Lose another friend
• Go back home crying
• Stop writing, drawing, reading (and singing and dancing to myself)
• Lose hope

So, I promissed I'd be ok and I have to. 

Thank you for making me laugh these past few days. You saved my soul again.