White cars

I need you
You smashing bones for a living
only to set them back straighter than ever. 
I need you 
gobbler of half-baked ideas
Messiah uncalled for
you stubborn fool of a man.
I need you
and this makes me wander
through infernos and back to sample the tar
to go as far
and away
as I can
to make me not want you to stay.
I need you,
tonight not because I have broken my back,
but because I have shattered my heart
in a million billion pieces
and all the king's men
and all the king's fools
can never put it back together again.
I broke it trying to find you
in the wrong body, 
in the wrongest wretch of a man. 
I need to make sure you exist. 
That you're still alive, 
still not mine. 
I need to put a face to the mess 
and leave it at that. 
I don't need you to love me. 
Not that you ever could. 
I just need to know you're still unlovable, 
still blind to me.


And I should never write this. 

It will only be misunderstood. 
And you would never get it fully 
but meanwhile, 
I'm still stalking all the white cars in the neighborhood.