I promiss I'll be ok

This is for the two special people I've been spending a lot of time with in the past few days, my sweet degenerate fairy and my dear brontosaurus.

Ok, so I am not ok.
Just for a while. I promissed I'd keep it together. I promissed myself first of all. I swore I would always find something to cling on, as small as it is, anything, my family, my friends, my passions and if all fails, my cats. I have to keep it together for the cats, cause they depend on me. As far as people depend on me, I'm fine, I can work it out. Would like a break though, from time to time, like when I was at home, you know, the only real home there is, and it was summer holiday and just for a few days at the very beginning I would just lay back and relax and sleep late and not do anything at all, and there would be coffee in the morning and breakfast. Just one or two days of being spoiled. That was nice.
But then again, this is just part of growing up, my dad would say, less breaks more work, just try to enjoy what happens in between. Since I've left, I've been sick countless times and I always took care of myself the same way he taught me and sometimes it doesn't even matter that you're sick, you just need to keep going, keep going. And sometimes, I wish there would be someone to take care of me.
But this is not about being alone. All in all, I KNOW that, were I to feel really bad and in need of help, there are at least 7 people, off the top of my head, that I could call anytime of day or night who would rush to the rescue.
I swore I would never do a job I don't like, trying to keep up with that. And also, I swore I would never compromise. And I have. And it hurts. And I promissed myself  I would stop.
So what is it about, after all? Why do I feel like I'm in the wrong movie? Like I am playing the wrong parts every time? There are stories that just pass me by, like they don't happen to me. Like this house and these cats and these notebooks and clothes are not mine, like they don't all stink of me and my touch. As if I am just watching this absurd projection and chewing on popcorn while my whole life is rushing by.
But I will catch the train. There is a train and I will catch it no matter what. And I will survive.
How do I know I will survive? Because I laughed, goddamit, because I laughed.
Because I am still impressed and I am still looking for the good in people, whatever happens, because I am still inlove and wish to remain so cause at least I can write poems about it, if nothing else will ever come out of it. Because I can still read and draw and paint and because I made my own damn dress and I felt like a princess. Because I am still looking for nice things and I am still able to find them, because I can still be happy and hopelessly inlove at the same time.

And I will never:

• Give up and fall appart
• Lose another friend
• Go back home crying
• Stop writing, drawing, reading (and singing and dancing to myself)
• Lose hope

So, I promissed I'd be ok and I have to. 

Thank you for making me laugh these past few days. You saved my soul again.